The Predator is the single worst cinematic experience I have had in a number of years.

It’s aggressive stupidity reaches an obscene level as it flaunts it in your face and dares you to do something about it, bro.

It has a wide assortment of despicable characters, none of which are likeable- a feat which is sure to impress every sociopath which watches this nearly two-hour recreation of a drunken man slurring insults to patrons at a bar.

This is a film is clearly trying very hard to be cool and edgy. All of the main characters are some sort of misfit anti-hero. The intention of creating a cast of Tarantino-esque characters only succeeded in creating nearly a dozen assholes for the audience to hate. While virtually every character in a film such as pulp fiction is a criminal of some sort, they are very likeable criminals; somehow Shane Black managed to skip that step in the creation of this film.

As such, when the time comes for them be killed by the new and improved super predator, we feel nothing. Actually that is not true, when our… ”heroes” …are being picked off one by one, we feel satisfaction that there is one less blithering idiot to deal with, and you begin to eagerly await the next death as it may provide some relief to the migraine pulsing inside your skull.

The catalyst for the offensively stupid and horrible characters lies within the dialogue for this film- some of the worst you will hear this year, or any year. It is cringy, embarrassing, and insultingly stupid. Each line vomited out of a character’s mouth makes me want to gouge out my eyes and shove them into my ears so that I no longer have to be exposed to this film in any way. Sure I could have walked out, but then I might have missed out on one of the meat sacks point to a line of motorcycles and shout, “get to the choppers.” One of the single worst lines of dialogue I have heard in any entertainment medium and one which made me real back in pain so quickly and furiously that I nearly fell out of my chair. That line may have been the worst, but there is a rich bounty of trash through which to sift in order to find other gems.

Oh, uhh…somewhere amongst this collection of angry geese is a predator who is genetically modified, or…. who cares- it doesn’t matter. It is a predator that is bigger than the previous one. That’s about it. Oh, wait, no it isn’t. This predator is searching for the most superior being on earth to consume or something, and he settles on a little boy with aspergers. Because naturally, a young man dealing with a form of autism signifies the next stage in human evolution. Let’s move on.

Or we could just end it here, because I do not want to continue to think about this film. This thing is a dumpster fire; it is cinematic vomit that fills the room with the foulest stench imaginable. Do not go see this film- in fact, don’t even see the film that is screening next to this film, as you may be accidentally exposed to it.


This movie sucks.